52 People

I received an email yesterday from an individual who has expressed concern over parts of the Crusade. The questions and comments he proposes are great ones, and so I shall respond with my feelings on the subject… I have included the email in it’s entirety only excluding the true signature of the sender. Please feel free to respond with yours!

” Dear Jayson,
I am sorry to hear that you lost your close friend (and without asking your questions of him).

Just another Stranger

MY RESPONSE

Dear Stranger;

I have considered the varying degrees of intimacy in relationships and have approached each relationship (family/friends/stranger) with the same intention of deepening that level of intimacy wherever the starting point may be. Different levels with different people, and varying degrees of depth. All people have boundaries and the only way to find out what those boundaries are, is to go near them.

At many times during my interviews, Strangers would warn me that they wouldn’t answer the questions if they found them too intrusive. No problem! Once we started speaking and got into conversation, they were willing to stretch the boundaries they started with.
Before my first stranger, I made an assumption that some people would storm away in outrage at how personal some of my questions were, but I still wanted to find out. The reality? Nobody stormed away, it was all in my head.
Does that make me simply lucky? I don’t know. What I do know is that everyone does have their boundaries and I’ll leave it up to them to show me where those boundaries are. I have many times in my life, made up stories about people’s tight boundaries and was way, way off. I also know that every relationship has a different level of intimacy and that level can definitely expand.

The kind of personal revealing and exposure that your questions call for can, in my opinion, actually do harm in the wrong relationship or context – rather that increase connection, intimacy and self knowledge.

Revealing yourself to the people in your life and being vulnerable can be a double edged sword. Anytime you open up your heart to let others see inside of your soul, you risk exposing your true self to the pain of rejection and criticism. The problem is, we know we can get hurt when we open up, so we don’t reach out or reveal. The result of this is the pain of unfulfilled relationships.
Viktor Frankl said, a candle must endure burning to give off light.

There is no doubt you risk experiencing the pain of being hurt, but without it you risk the heavy burden of not knowing the people around you. It’s a choice for each individual to make. I have been rejected and I have experienced unfulfilled relationship. After both of these experiences I choose, without a question in my heart, to reveal and expose in my relationships, trusting that it serves the deepening of these relationships and fully knowing it is possible my heart may be broken in the process. Trust and transparency will grow together as relationships evolve. The questions are ultimately an invitation for expansion.

Just because you are curious about these questions, does not always mean that they serve the greatest depth (nor truth, beauty and goodness) for everyone involved. This all points to what some Buddhists might call ‘right relationship’.”

The questions aren’t about getting answers, they are about opening up the space for a deeper, more meaningful relationship. My curiosity is about who my wife is, or who my parents are, or who the people closest to me are. I want to know who the people in my life are and how they experience life.

Assumptions kill relationship. I will not make assumptions about the relationship that will pull me away, I’d rather make assumptions that pull me in. The assumptions I chose to make? The people in my life want more connection.

We make the same mistakes with relationships as we do with life. We assume they won’t like something so we don’t do it. we assume things are unattainable so we stop. We assume and we assume without giving ourselves the opportunity to strike out or inspire greatness. I have waited and have struck out many times in my life without even swinging.

I am not versed in Buddhism, but ‘right’ relationship to me is acting on my urge to want more and leaning in to the people in my life to create more together. This is ‘right’ to me. In my opinion, a ‘right’ relationship is a real relationship. Assumptions, fears and what society deems ‘right’ are exactly the walls and boundaries that have stifled the creation of meaningful relationships…

A heart felt thank you for the email and to everyone out there sending their comments and messages.

Stop living with strangers. Take the lead in creating more meaningful relationships in your life!

I’m sitting in the airport writing this before I depart to San Francisco for the last week of a 10 month long program that has been a leadership quest. As of Tuesday morning I’ll be with 24 leaders from various parts of the world to collaborate, challenge and connect with.

Despite all of this on the horizon, what am I writing about today?… My Mother.

My wife and I were just finishing up a session with our relationship coach when the door bell rang. The dog barked as she scrambled to see who was at the door and I quickly followed behind. I peeked through the window to find my mother smiling through the glass. She was early.

Although only 15 minutes early, my day was scheduled like discombobulated clockwork, with little room for deviation as I was to be at the airport at a specific time to go through customs and fly out. My wife was going to remain at home and my mother had volunteered to drive me 45 minute into the airport.

The trip together was perfect timing. During the session with our relationship coach my wife and I talked about the role our parents are going to play in our new exploration around parenthood. We are less than 6 weeks away from the due date and have been wondering/speaking about the dynamic of our parents and parenting in general. We spoke in our coaching session about possible issues that could arise and what we want from our parents in regards to support and how they can play an important role in the life of our soon to be child and the role they play in our lives as new parents.

The 45 minute drive with my mother was a perfect opportunity to discuss all of this.

It was perfect one on one time with no distractions, only us and the road we traveled upon. I asked her questions and she asked me questions. We spoke about possibilities and assumptions and expectations that can all creep up once our little bundle of joy arrives. I asked my mom what role she wanted to play and how she saw herself, and she asked me what role I wanted her to play. We talked about giving advice, hurt feelings; all the stuff that can happen when people are trying to help out. We also spoke about how important it is for my wife and I to find our own parenting style and how we don’t want our parents to jump in to try and fix things without us asking for help first.

My mother and I had begun the opening stages of designing an alliance together. How we are going to be with one another when our baby comes is going to be a key platform for which we are in relationship with each other. By beginning to talk about this now, we are doing the much needed work to eliminate the assumptions, lack of clarity around and all the stories we make up around how things might be. No doubt we will be thrown a curve ball or two along the way, but it is a great start.

I have been able to have these conversations more and more with my parents since just over a year ago when I asked them the ten questions. Asking the questions did not make our relationship, but it opened the door for us to walk through together; to get to the great stuff of meaning. Designing alliances, open conversation and the elimination of assumptions… and so much more.

A great way to send me off as she dropped me off at the airport we exchanged a strong embrace and then left one another to travel in separate directions but feeling the power and gratitude of our meaningful connection.

Design alliances and break down the assumptions and stories we make up. Get real with the people around you!!
52 People – Crusade for Meaningful Connection

I was driving home late one night early this week after a long meeting. My eyes burned from exhaustion as I usually get up in the morning around five o’clock and subsequently head to bed fairly early. It was getting close to midnight and normally I’d have two solid hours of sleep already…

As I left the city on my way home, there was a hitchhiker standing along the side of the road wearing a long dark coat with the hood pulled over the head, slightly covering the face. A slender hand stuck a thumb into the cold night as the other hand held an executive style traveling suitcase. My initial reaction was to stop, and as I drove past I looked at the youthful face of the young woman standing all alone.

My intuition told me to stop… but I didn’t. I kept going.
For the next fifteen minutes my mind made about why I didn’t stop. Too tired, it’s late, I’m not going very far anyway… The other side of the argument, the part of me who is going to be a father of a young girl very soon said, “What if that was your daughter and she was running away, wouldn’t you want someone like you to pick her up and possibly give her a place to stay”. This made sense as my wife surely wouldn’t have minded if I brought a hitchhiker home, she would have gladly opened our house up for the night for someone in need. This whole conversation went back and forth inside my head for the entire trip until I finally reached my house.

As I prepared for bed I wondered about the safety and well being of that young girl.
Why didn’t I stop?

This girl made me think about people and relationships. We are surrounded by hitchhikers in our lives… Some have their thumbs fully extended, asking, begging for help. Others keep walking along their path with their heads down, waiting, hoping that someone will stop, that someone will care, that someone will open their door despite the fear and let them come in.

All of us are hitchhikers and we are also drivers. We can feel stuck walking alone in the cold, carrying heavy baggage along the bumpy desolate road. Or we can shelter ourselves in the warmth and security of the steel frame and heated leather seats. These moments can happen multiple times during any single day and we easily forget that we have the vehicle to stop and pick someone up, have them join us while we travel along this road called life.

The vehicle is meaningful connection.

Join the Crusade for Meaningful Connection! Take the lead and stop living with strangers and get real with the people around you.

52 People – The End

The experiment is over and connecting with complete strangers in not only possible, but very easy. Now the challenge is over to you. Reach out to strangers, your family and friends and create meaning in your life through connection. When you do this, email me your experiences, your questions, or challenges to keep this thing going. email me at 52people@drivenbypassion.com

This year has been a tremendous experience for me and I thank everyone who visited the blog, participated and emailed…

If you enjoyed this blog then join the Crusade! visit the facebook group ’52 people – Crusade for Meaningful Connection’ and recruit others to join in and be a part of connection.

One more thing… Goodbye.